Living with Mental Health | Depression and the Dark Place

I was diagnosed with depression in November 2011, although looking back I think I had it a lot longer than I realised, but undoubtedly over the summer of 2011 my mental health drop significantly.

Prior to suffering with depression I thought self-harm was silly, I couldn’t understand why anyone ever would. But, now I know. When I was in a dark place, I felt consumed with pain I couldn’t express. My body would shake with tears, but they wouldn’t express the sorrow I felt within. But the physical pain, of feeling something, did. And so, I discovered, like so many others, an instant release of the hurt I felt within. Unfortunately, when I come to my sense, I feel ashamed of my weakness, my desire to hurt myself, and the spiral of pain drag me back down to a place where it was acceptable to damage myself.

When I became brave enough to talk about my feelings, and how dark, the dark place truly was, my friends would say that I could always ring them when I felt like that. And whilst I was grateful for their offer, when the dark times return I couldn’t bring myself to get in contact with them. I felt so ashamed, so weak, so unworthy of their love.

Only a few weeks ago I hit a dark place, and first time I called out for help. It was terrifying, and yet as my friend replied to my text, I felt calmer, I felt loved and slowly I felt at peace again. I didn’t self-harm. For me, it was a massive victory, not only had I conquered my fear of rejection that no one would answer my call for help, I’d also had a triumph against self-harm.

For friends of people who suffer from depression, I want this to encourage you. Don’t give up on us. I know what it is like to stand on the sidelines and watch people battle with depression. It sucks, but I also know that we’re incredibly grateful that you are standing there. Because when we feel strong enough to reach out for help, you’re already there offering a hand. To help me with my depression, I’ve taken anti-depressants, I had counselling but the best treatment I’ve had is friendship. With my friends I laugh, I cry, I talk about what hurts, I talk about the lies I believe, and my friends listen, they tell me things I ignore about myself but most importantly they let me be who I am. Together we live a life worth living; together we make memories worth keeping. 

Anonymous